The Incredible Journey

That's right, folks. Tomorrow's gonna be rainy and not fun, but I will still attempt the bicycle trip that I have been planning... for about 3 hours now. Basically I'm going to go around 40 miles, to the bank, boulevard, home and back. Let's hope I survive.

I'm totally saving the environment this way. Just for this, I can dump extra motor oil onto the lawn.

Maybe I'll have some pictures for you tomorrow or the next day of my awesome, wet, miserable trip.

springtime flourishes

okay. it's 12:21 AM and i am still awake. capitalization, however, goes to bed at 11:30. i have just completed researching a company with which i will be speaking tomorrow, so i will give you another entry. and it's a HAIKU!!!

crocus

ugly purple plague
also: horribly yellow
springtime makes me sick


i took some flower pictures in our front yard when i was feigning illness on monday. i like flowers, ok? anyone want to fight about it?

I hate reflection

I can't believe that crappy March is almost over... or that I'll be 24 soon.

Here's what I've accomplished this month: I worked at a temp job for no more than 37.5 hours per week.

Nice. Just nice. I did get a permanent job today, except, I didn't take it. It just seemed wrong on so many levels. However, I do have interviews tomorrow and Friday with jobs that I actually really do want. So here's to that... It's also one of many reasons that I haven't been posting much as of late.

The other reason is that very, very bad thing that I did. In retrospect, it may have been one of the best things that I possibly could have done. However, the psychology behind that is very weird and I do not wish to get into it. You wouldn't understand. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME.

Looks like another night spent in the dark, under my bed, crying quietly.

Not Macabre

Home yesterday... For salmony goodness and my finished film. Perhaps some job stuff, too. That makes 3 incomplete sentences with only one psuedo-verb. And that's exactly the type of grammatical abomination that I've grown to expect from my writing.

Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Nothing to see here

I'm really pissed off that it isn't the 27th of March yet. Dear March: I hate you. Oh, and why don't you try, I don't know, actually snowing or something. Honestly, it's almost 50 degrees out right now. You've waffled around between being mind-numbingly cold and unseasonably warm for your entire duration. I've already stated that November is the month where days go to die... so let me evaluate the whole year:

January - I am cold, white, boring and sterile. Even my name is stupid. JANUARY. Sounds like one of the goddamned retarded Brady children.

February - "Oh, look at me. I'm February and I'm a short little abortion of a month." Go back to wherever it is that you came from, you little freak.

March - A worthless excuse for a month. Nothing good ever happened in March. Just ask Caesar. March just can't seem to make up its mind about what it wants to be. Grow up and accept some responsibility, you piece of crap. Get a job, too.

April - I hate girls named April, so I hate months named April too. Obviously, this is the slut of the months. The ugly, rainy slut.

May - Why do people name their children after months? Whatever. Despite hating the name, I actually do like May itself. Mildly warm, sunny, and all the beautiful flowers. I could go on for hours and hours about flowers. Oh, look, I've started rhyming! I'm going to go write a poem about springtime...

June - This month reminds me of bugs. June bugs, especially. Gross. Sorry, June, but you lose. Why can't June accomplish something other than producing fat, ugly bugs that fly into my mouth while I'm biking? Great. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

July - Yeah, great. Suddenly everyone's patriotic. Nothing can make hot, sticky, sweaty, disgusting July better. Except living in Alaska, maybe... or death's sweet embrace.

August - Ugh. The worst of all months for heat. And the name reminds me of greasy, obese children. Why the heck do I have that connotation? Time to seek mental help... P.S. - August: BURN IN HELL!

September - September's the month of the year where I decide to make up for being a slacker during all the other months. As you can probably see, it is a very stressful time for me... At least the first week is, then I give up. Also, I hate September.

October - Awww, you're my silver medal. I like October second-best out of all months. But, as Nik repeatedly tells me, "Second place is the first loser". So you lose, October. In Nik's twisted fantasy world, you lose. So take... that?

November - I already told you that this is a boring waste of a month. I'm going to stick with that assertion. November is January's homlier, more boring sister. November, quit wasting everyone's time. Change your name and try to be more like April. You'll be doing frat boys everywhere a service.

December - CHRISTMAS!!! Wait, I HATE Christmas. But I do love to hate Christmas, so you can see my plight. I'll give December my "best of the worst" rating. Congratulations, I hope it works out for you.

Aww, he's cute

I made a new special friend last night... Last night when Nik and Mary decided to force me to drink an undisclosed number of carbombs. With...

With their violence!

I played / made horrible noises on a guitar until I got a blister on my thumb, fell down (about 27 times) trying to do drunken acrobatics and hurt my tailbone. This is probably my most successful Friday since January! I'm so proud of me!

All for you

This one's going out to all of my awesome fans who leave me scary comments. Mostly, it goes out to my main blogging man, ronald. I have no idea who he is, or why there are inflatable women on his blog, or even why he commented on my kite flying in Spanish. All I know is that he's fighting the good fight. At least, I think he is.

Also, that guy who has dreams about homocide and comments after my pomes? Yea, props to him. I'll even go so far as to deem him worthy of mad props. You should all aspire to be like him in some way or another.

Finally, to the rest of my audience that didn't make it: try harder. Do you think former U.S. president Nixon just sat around on his ass while we were losing in Vietnam? No. He probably did something or another to affect matters there. Do you think he threw up his hands when he could have lost that election? No. He sent spies to... You know what? I know almost nothing about Nixon. This sucks. I looked him up on Google just now and learned that he's actually dead. I've been living a lie. I'm going to go now.

Very, very bad

I did something very, very bad yesterday. How bad? Bad enough that I won't write it in here because I don't want half of you to know.

I mean, it wasn't like malicious bad... but it was a bad idea.

I've been thinking more about V for Vendetta, and I must say that I really did like most of the movie. There were only a few parts that bothered me... You know that main character girl with the shaved head whose life-changing experiences are a major part of the story? Just take her weak, stupid, annoying ass out of the movie altogether. Then, strip V of his unncessary "super powers". Finally, get rid of all the metaphors that a bunch of movie-producing retards thought would be "so clever" and "appealing to the liberal mainstream". Do that, and I would be a huge fan.

I guess I just want to watch a delightfully well-spoken man prance around in a mask and tight black costume for 2 hours 24 minutes. GREAT. I'm not even going to bother saying "totally not gay" this time because I don't even think I believe myself anymore...

thoughts

I can use my cellphone as an FM radio now. This basically means that I listen to the news all day long at work. I absolutely hate the news. It makes me so mad.

This is an experiment, however. Either I'll become a complete psychopath or I'll become more comfortable with politics. My guess? Hmm... I'm going to have to go with hatred.

Donuty goodness

The day before today? I ate 8 donuts. EIGHT DONUTS.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I consume food like a normal human being? Like my last Paad Thai adventure... Five stars, at the place where the spicers are CRUEL. I took a picture because the meal was basically red with pepper and spice oil and firey, firey death. Oh that was the best food I've had in awhile... Yummmm.

Chaffee'd

Chris came over yesterday. It was pretty awesome... Margarita's and V for Vendetta/Vengeance/Vasectomy/whatever. The movie wasn't so great - but it wasn't terrible. I think I was probably buzzing from Pina Coladas (Chris says they're a VERY manly drink and that he isn't ashamed to be around me while I'm drinking them). We also went to a furniture store to find the arcade...

Great.

Well, it brought back memories of high school, anyway, and that's all that anyone can really ask for.

Also, my film is almost done. Hurrah! Maybe I'll make a real one that I can actually show people once that's finished... But probably not. I lack the proper devices.

it's coming down

I'm trying to make a motion picture...

Honestly, what more do you want from me?

Also, there's a job fair coming up... Sounds like something I need to get in on. I suppose I can't hide from the real world forever. I'm going to have to go there and expose my talents so to speak. Y'know... Show them the whole package. Blow their minds... like they've never been blown before.

Ok, I stole that last one. And I'm done with the inappropriate sexual innuendo. I apologize. It's just that whenever I tell anyone that I can't decide what kind of job I want, they tell me to sell myself on the street. Yea, it was funny at first, but now, I'm starting to think people are serious...

motive

I don't understand. I have no energy... I have no motivation to exercise or socialize. No motivation to do anything. What the hell?

Pull it together, man. I need to get ANGRY. Much like the incredible hulk, rage is what fuels me. We's kindred spirits, me and him... I once ripped out of a shirt... But it was mostly because I was too fat for the shirt.

Kitekitekite

It was pretty outside today at 3... So I left work to fly a kite with Mr. Nik. Totally not gay. TOTALLY.

We made a pretty cool video of it before Nik broke his frisbee and I ripped my pants.

On a fence...

AGAIN.

That's the third pair of pants that I have ripped on a fence. However, this time, I was not drunk. I don't know if that speaks to my credit or not... Well, regardless, it was either ripping my pants open or my hand on the rusty, rusty jaggedness that was the fence top.

Also, blogger.com has been horridly slow lately... So I haven't been updating that often... It was totally blogger's fault and not mine at all. Yea.

Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom

My boss has left for Texas and Maryland for the week. This should have left me able to enjoy work by playing Grand Theft Auto all day on my PSP. However, I've actually been productive. It doesn't make sense.

Also: I didn't work out today, and I'm not working out tomorrow either. I'm probably still suffering from the stupid sun on Saturday. That's actually just an excuse I make when I'm being lazy for no good reason.

Agh! Poison!

We went to IHOP. That's how it always starts. Following that, Nik desired new strings for his guitar-thing. So we went to Guitar World... Except that instead of a "G" on the sign, it's a picture of a guitar. Yeah. Way to use the fact that no other words in this language end in "uitar", store, 'cuz it totally doesn't look like a "G".

Then, I think we went and looked at swords/guns/instruments of death at some army store. But, following that, we saw Mary and Kate at Mackworth Island. Frisbee was played, Nik touched me on a playground, and then I gathered an audience with my stone-skipping talents. It made me quite depressed, actually. However, we next got to go to my parents' house.

Upon our arrival, we discovered that they had donated all the old books that I wanted to read. CURSES! So we played some pool. I won. HA! By this time, the poison of our foul accursed sun was setting in. Basically, my head was throbbing and I wanted to lie down and die. So I did. For two hours.

I still feel like crap. I hate the sun. I need to wear sunscreen in friggin' March, apparently.

RAWR!

What a crappy day. It's half-snowing, half-raining and I have no desire to go out and run... So I'm stuck in here playing with my blog. That's right. You're my second priority.

Besides the snow, there's the fact that I forgot my glasses today, got to work 30 minutes late, missed the salad bar at lunch and overall just had a very not-good time. It's not that anything was even that terrible, it just wasn't very good. At least I'm not sick.

Basically, if I get sick, it's a fever of 104 and I'm just plain DEAD for a few days. Other than that, I get a tiny bit sniffly sometimes, or have a weird feeling in the back of my throat for a few days. I do get real colds, though, if I'm not working out / overdosing on vitamins. Screw that. I choose health.

S'pht

Hobbit! Tend to your garden, for it withers with disuse!

There are probably about 5 people who know what I'm talking about and don't think I'm insane... Well, they don't think I'm insane for saying that at least. They have other, better reasons to doubt the wellness of my mind. INFIDELS!

classy

Somehow, it's 10 PM. I'm not really sure where the hours between 5:30 and now went. I'm actually fairly sure that they went to "Oh great, you're drunk for no reason" land.

Basically, I remember Mary saying "Brian, you have 15 minutes to get as drunk as possible before we drive to Shaw's (the Shaw)". I also vaguely remember finishing off all the beer in the house, as well as some hard alcohol. Then I recall saying "The Shaw" a lot, being drunk in public, breaking the grill, barbecuing chicken, somehow sort of making chicken broccoli alfredo, getting the worst hiccoughs EVER, and passing out at 7 PM. Justin woke me up at 9 with his yelling. I was still wearing a tie.

We totally ate Cookie Monster.
Then I became white trash again.

Crash!

What a cool day today was... First, I had 5 horrible hours of work... Maybe not that horrible... Then it was off to the bank! Now I have $1300 instead of $20 in my account. sweet

I saw another car accident on the way to the bank - I see one every 3 or 4 days (I'm on the road about an hour every day running). People really suck at driving. Every time, it's someone tailgating or trying to get somewhere too fast. I drive a constant 10-20 m.p.h. over the speed limit, but I do not drive anywhere near other traffic. When I do, I go slow and stay far behind the other cars. That's probably why the only accident I've ever been in was when some crazy girl decided to take a right turn on red into the minivan. I got pulled over once, though. 29 in a 25.

When I got home early, Justin, Nik, Mary and I went to go play some tennis/frisbee/aerobee o'er at yon high school field. It was awesome. Except I lost miserably at tennis to Justin. Apparently, those lessons (and the last time I actually played) back in grade school didn't help me against a seasoned pro. Well maybe he's not so seasoned, but he is overweight. That counts for something, doesn't it? Then, it was time for a quick run and off to Chili's with Mary, Nik and Kate. Shopping soon followed, and I picked up some an awesome Hawaiian shirt, as well as a new white collared short-sleeved shirt (finally) and some socks and workout shirts. Now I think I'm gonna bike briefly and pass out. YAY!

I don't actually know what Magnum, P.I. looks like... But that's my best guess.

Personality

It would seem that Justin and Jackie merely exist to serve as foils for Nik and me. And, Nik and I exist to serve as foils for each other. Oh, foiling is certainly in the air here in Westbrook.

Jackie is passive-aggressive while Nik is passive-passive.
Justin is manic-depressive while I am manic-even more manic.

It's an odd chemistry at work in this house. That's why I'm moving to Idaho. Well, that, and the sweet, sweet free potatos.

I went home to North Yarmouth yesterday to assist father and uncle in dissecting a fallen tree and moving its mutilated carcass into the back of our new pickup truck. I wasn't actually as helpful as I was annoying, though. I basically just stood on a tree stump, took pictures, and made fun of them for being old.

And then there was bowling last night. Bowling and Rolling Rock beer. I drank 5 in about 20 minutes, and a had beer and a shot while at the bowling alley. I absolutely suck at bowling sober or inebriated, so I got a 50 and 58 on my two frames. It was delightfully white trash. As far as good news goes, I now know what people who are too young to drink do with their Saturday nights. Pedophiles would do well to frequent bowling alleys... I know where I'm spending all the rest of my free time.

Don't listen to anyone. EVER.

Someone once told me, "Brian, you need to get your poems published so you can make tons of people cry." I wouldn't be lying to you if I said that this was the same person who told me, "they are short people that feel happy all the time... it is a nice life being a little person" when I asked about lawn gnomes. And so, without further ado - pome:

can you see me desperately trying
to clutch a dream's shattered remains
though my hands are red with blood

silence is torn by the voice of despair
 i realize

i'm peering into absolute clarity
and even the light is obscured.

My pometry teacher didn't like that one either. Well... Shit.

One FULL week

37.5 hours clocked in! That's like working full-time... Full-time for slackers, that is. It's still more than I've done since November, so I guess I'm proud of me.

For this reason, I treated myself to some more 5-star Paad Thai tonight with el Nik. I was too much of a coward to run today (since it was 24 degrees), so I'm lifting and jumping rope at this dumb hour. Yea, pathetic ... But hey, I'm proud of what little progress I've made. Plus, I'll never need to wear lipstick, apparently. That doesn't mean that I won't do it again though.

I'm going to go deposit this past month's checks tomorrow so I don't run out of money and die alone and naked on the street. Then I'm going to go home to make fun of my brother's hangover and to eat my parents' free food. There best be pudding or I'm gonna be pissed.

Westbrook HEAT

My father stopped by today. He turned the heat on in my room.
That's right. I made it from January to March without heat in MAINE.

It wasn't really even all that bad.

I had a pretty good day today, actually. It all started with a nutritious breakfast of OJ and Frosted Mini Wheats. I parked as far away from the door at work as I could (as usual) so I could get paid to walk a half mile across a gigantic parking lot. When I got to the front door, I saw a cluster of poor souls huddled together in the little outdoor smoking hut. It's so hard not to laugh at them. I actually do snicker a little when I walk by. Idiots. I'm so much better than them. Except they all have real jobs. DAMN IT!

I got to call people all around the country at work. The most valuable lesson learned was that I actually enjoy calling people all around the country at work... Maybe my career should be in telemarketing. I actually refused to take the headset off and walked around all day with it on my head. When asked, I told people it was "trendy" and twitched my right eye. Feigning insanity grows more difficult as I slowly slip deeper and deeper into it.

When I got home, the thermo-mitre told me that it was 32 degrees out which is ALMOST not freezing! So I went for a 6-mile run. Actually, I still haven't recovered from that and it's been more than 3 hours. I think I'm going to go pass out now.

end

We've all moved on

What do I miss about college?

Is it learning something valuable every day that I will be able to use for the rest of my life? No. Is it homework? No. Is it being able to sleep in 'til a ridiculous hour every day? No. Is it skipping every class except the tests and still pulling straight As that semester? No. Is it the cafeteria food? No. Living in dorms? Living in apartments? Parties? Alcohol? No, no, no, no. Is it missing graduation to fly to California to discover what I don't want to do with the rest of my life? Ye... wait, no... But that was good too.

I.
just.
can't.
figure.
it.
out.