Nothing to see here
I'm really pissed off that it isn't the 27th of March yet. Dear March: I hate you. Oh, and why don't you try, I don't know, actually snowing or something. Honestly, it's almost 50 degrees out right now. You've waffled around between being mind-numbingly cold and unseasonably warm for your entire duration. I've already stated that November is the month where days go to die... so let me evaluate the whole year:
January - I am cold, white, boring and sterile. Even my name is stupid. JANUARY. Sounds like one of the goddamned retarded Brady children.
February - "Oh, look at me. I'm February and I'm a short little abortion of a month." Go back to wherever it is that you came from, you little freak.
March - A worthless excuse for a month. Nothing good ever happened in March. Just ask Caesar. March just can't seem to make up its mind about what it wants to be. Grow up and accept some responsibility, you piece of crap. Get a job, too.
April - I hate girls named April, so I hate months named April too. Obviously, this is the slut of the months. The ugly, rainy slut.
May - Why do people name their children after months? Whatever. Despite hating the name, I actually do like May itself. Mildly warm, sunny, and all the beautiful flowers. I could go on for hours and hours about flowers. Oh, look, I've started rhyming! I'm going to go write a poem about springtime...
June - This month reminds me of bugs. June bugs, especially. Gross. Sorry, June, but you lose. Why can't June accomplish something other than producing fat, ugly bugs that fly into my mouth while I'm biking? Great. I just threw up in my mouth a little.
July - Yeah, great. Suddenly everyone's patriotic. Nothing can make hot, sticky, sweaty, disgusting July better. Except living in Alaska, maybe... or death's sweet embrace.
August - Ugh. The worst of all months for heat. And the name reminds me of greasy, obese children. Why the heck do I have that connotation? Time to seek mental help... P.S. - August: BURN IN HELL!
September - September's the month of the year where I decide to make up for being a slacker during all the other months. As you can probably see, it is a very stressful time for me... At least the first week is, then I give up. Also, I hate September.
October - Awww, you're my silver medal. I like October second-best out of all months. But, as Nik repeatedly tells me, "Second place is the first loser". So you lose, October. In Nik's twisted fantasy world, you lose. So take... that?
November - I already told you that this is a boring waste of a month. I'm going to stick with that assertion. November is January's homlier, more boring sister. November, quit wasting everyone's time. Change your name and try to be more like April. You'll be doing frat boys everywhere a service.
December - CHRISTMAS!!! Wait, I HATE Christmas. But I do love to hate Christmas, so you can see my plight. I'll give December my "best of the worst" rating. Congratulations, I hope it works out for you.
January - I am cold, white, boring and sterile. Even my name is stupid. JANUARY. Sounds like one of the goddamned retarded Brady children.
February - "Oh, look at me. I'm February and I'm a short little abortion of a month." Go back to wherever it is that you came from, you little freak.
March - A worthless excuse for a month. Nothing good ever happened in March. Just ask Caesar. March just can't seem to make up its mind about what it wants to be. Grow up and accept some responsibility, you piece of crap. Get a job, too.
April - I hate girls named April, so I hate months named April too. Obviously, this is the slut of the months. The ugly, rainy slut.
May - Why do people name their children after months? Whatever. Despite hating the name, I actually do like May itself. Mildly warm, sunny, and all the beautiful flowers. I could go on for hours and hours about flowers. Oh, look, I've started rhyming! I'm going to go write a poem about springtime...
June - This month reminds me of bugs. June bugs, especially. Gross. Sorry, June, but you lose. Why can't June accomplish something other than producing fat, ugly bugs that fly into my mouth while I'm biking? Great. I just threw up in my mouth a little.
July - Yeah, great. Suddenly everyone's patriotic. Nothing can make hot, sticky, sweaty, disgusting July better. Except living in Alaska, maybe... or death's sweet embrace.
August - Ugh. The worst of all months for heat. And the name reminds me of greasy, obese children. Why the heck do I have that connotation? Time to seek mental help... P.S. - August: BURN IN HELL!
September - September's the month of the year where I decide to make up for being a slacker during all the other months. As you can probably see, it is a very stressful time for me... At least the first week is, then I give up. Also, I hate September.
October - Awww, you're my silver medal. I like October second-best out of all months. But, as Nik repeatedly tells me, "Second place is the first loser". So you lose, October. In Nik's twisted fantasy world, you lose. So take... that?
November - I already told you that this is a boring waste of a month. I'm going to stick with that assertion. November is January's homlier, more boring sister. November, quit wasting everyone's time. Change your name and try to be more like April. You'll be doing frat boys everywhere a service.
December - CHRISTMAS!!! Wait, I HATE Christmas. But I do love to hate Christmas, so you can see my plight. I'll give December my "best of the worst" rating. Congratulations, I hope it works out for you.
posted by darkchord at 9:57 AM
3 Comments:
you write: August - Ugh. The worst of all months for heat. And the name reminds me of greasy, obese children. Why the heck do I have that connotation? Time to seek mental help
You have a repressed memory of Augustus...the fat bloke in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... The one who drank from the chocolate river and fell in. Oompa Loompas to the rescue! And as for being angry at Christmas? What the hell? I don't even remember what I got you for Christmas but I guess it made no positive impact on your holdiay spirit. Maybe next year I will get you the $15 Wal-Mart Gift Certificate that you got me this year...Always low prices. Always.
You have March pegged COMPLETELY wrong! I do not even believe you could say that about THE BEST MONTH EVER. I am starting a website called "I am mad" and you beratting March is the first entry.
Dear my sister,
You're right, actually, I was thinking of Augustus from CatCF when I wrote this. Also, the other important Caesar came to mind - the one who doesn't factor into March as much. He was a fat, greasy Roman, though.
Also, you got me a cactus family for Christmas. They live on my desk, talk about me behind my back, and stab me in the hands and face whenever I try to turn off the light / alarm / make out with them.
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